Hello,
It's me- I am actually sorrowful1. I tried to post "in secret" because of my shame and fear, but Dee found me out.
I decided to come clean about this because I needed to thank EVERYONE who has posted here for all of their kind words and support. It has been such a relief to tell my story. This has been something that I have hidden from my kids, my work, everyone in my life except for a very few people - and the hiding of it all is very hard.
Some moments I realize that I am probably being too hard on myself and then the next it hits me again that I killed someone. I do not have a sense of closure with the accident itself. In court when I did my agreement, there was no "cause of death" stated. This did not sit well with the judge and the DA and my lawyer convened and agreed that no cause would be stated. It was very confusing to me and I still do not the cause. The woman apparently died 4 days after the accident, she had been released from the hospital but then had to be brought back in and died. She had a wheelchair in her car as well as what looked like oxygen tanks..I think she had health issues in general before the accident. I do not know if maybe the hospital made an error, I have no idea. What I do know though, is that she would never have been in the hospital if it had not been for the accident that I caused.
I was scared to post on here as super71 - I am so afraid that I will relapse and then people will think - even after THIS you couldn't stop drinking?? I feel horrible for continuing to drink for almost 2 years following this accident. I have always had a huge problem with guilt and this has been killing me.
I went to a psychiatrist a few weeks ago to try to seek some medication for I am sure is depression. She did an intake on me and said, "You aren't depressed, you have PTSD." I was pretty honest with her about my alcohol intake as well. She refused to write me a prescription for any medication. I almost begged her - "I need SOMETHING" and she said "You're problem is that you think you need something." She told me I was an alcoholic and to go to a out patient rehab program in the area - she told me that alcohol is a depressant and only making my anxiety and all the other negative feelings worse. I left there, came home, and had a bottle of wine.
Since then, though, I have not been able to feel any sense of peace while drinking. I knew I had a major drinking problem, but she was so definite about it and it really hit home. I continued to drink my regular amount (1 to 2 bottles of wine a night) but slowed up a bit and then a week ago found SR. I haven't had a drink in a week today. I plan to go to AA tomorrow and go see my regular Dr. on Monday to ask about antidepressants because I really think I am depressed as well as this PTSD. I have a hard time believing the PTSD diagnosis from looking up the symptoms, but hearing others mention it on this thread has made me think there might be something to it. I also plan to seek counseling again. That will be my next thing on my list..we shall see. I know I need it.
This is long, and I am sorry about that- but I just wanted to thank everyone for all of their words and support. You have no idea how much it means.