Thanks for the responses. As I read them, I literally began to tear up. I can't remember the last time I cried until two months ago. Now, I cry once a week on a good week. I know that drinking will only lead to horrible things and very possibly death for me. But, I can't handle this either for very much longer. I feel like that life is passing me by and I am not living it. I pray everyday for God to show me his will and for the knowledge and power to carry that out, yet nothing seems to get better, only worse. My purpose in this life can't be what I am doing now. I basically sleep half the day, do a little work from a home office and then watch t.v. Is that the life God intended for someone who has my abilities. If so, then why did he give them to me in the first place? I just can't seem to understand it. God isn't supposed to put more on me than I can handle, but I think he is.
And to all those newcomers that read this, please don't take my posts as a discouraging experience. I know soooo many people in AA and other programs that have recovered and found a new life that is a billion times better than before. The program does work for many.