About to give up
Hello:
This alcoholic has been sober for around 63 days and I am absolutely miserable. While I have been miserable for all of the last two months, tonight, for the first time since I was forced to stop drinking due to alcoholic pancreatits, I almost left this God forsaken house and went to the store to buy some beer. I am involved in A.A and totally respect and appreciate every aspect of the program.
I read these posts, and am certainly grateful that I have the ability to do so, and I hear how so many people's lives have improved dramatically since they quit drinking. Mine, on the contrary, has only gotten worse. The depression I am in on a daily basis is almost unbearable. In reality, it actually is unbearable. I think about suicide daily, although I have never actually taken any sort of affirmative steps towards that end.
Just a few months ago, although drunk almost around the clock, I felt fine about myself and where my life had been and the possibilities of where it was going. I am an attorney by trade and thirty-four years old. 6 Months ago I had 50k in the bank, a beautiful (yet drug addicted girlfriend) and was generally fairly happy and confident. Now, I am completely alone, sober and contemplating suicide when I am not busy with something to do. And I am broke. At least the last time I tried this(this is my second attempt at total sobriety , I had money to do things that occupy my time.
I just don't know what else I can do to try and improve my life. I have some work, but not nearly enough to keep me busy and absolutely no social life. I am essentially a captive in my home and cant help but thinking "if this is as good as it gets, then **** it, I will go out drinking and at least enjoy myself while I am here on this earth."
Sorry for the vent. I just don't know what else to do. I am not going to drink tonight, but I can feel myself sliding everyday ever so closer to the insanity of it all.
I am truly happy and envious of all those that can post how great their life is without alcohol. Most of you ooze gratitude for it as well. I only wish I could feel the same way. For me, this sobriety stuff SUCKS! And that is the honest truth.
Thanks for reading,
Ben