The harsh realisation that I would have taken my car and driven the two little people home, the two people that mean more to me than all the world, and the shameful fact that I didn't learn from the first time I almost did this, but had to go and do it again. Thankfully my other half arrived home before I left (both times). This experience has made me lose what little bit of self respect I had left. How can I look at those beautiful, trusting, little faces knowing what I could have done. How can I ever, ever forgive myself for even thinking of doing such a thing. I dont want to wake up anymore with that horrible guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach, I don't want to wake up wandering what I've said and who's feelings I've hurt. I dont want to wake up in the night with my heart pounding and I dont want to drive to work on auto pilot. I want to be a person that can be trusted, I want to be a good nan, I want my Grandchildren to remember me for the fun times, not the times I crashed out drunk! I want my partner to be proud of me and what's more I want to be proud of myself. God, I could go on forever with this!