At this point in time, I think the only effort you need to make is to figure out where *you* go from here. Do you stay with this person? Do you leave? Do you "take a break" and take some time apart?
You are obviously at an impasse with your AH: you see that there is a problem, and he doesn't agree. No amount of negociating will change a thing. You two will just continue to dance around the issue of "there is a problem" for...who knows how long.
I know because I played this game with my XAH:
- we negotiated on him drinking only a certain amount at a certain time...
- then I'd go nuts trying to monitor whether he was sticking to the rules...
- he'd stick to them for a few days, maybe a week...
- then *something* would happen for him to feel justified in breaking the "rules"...
- then I'd find out he'd been drinking more...
- then I'd feel hurt and angry...
- then I'd go back to him to tell him I knew he'd broken the rules...
- then MORE negociating would ensue....
Lather. Rinse. Repeat. For about 5 years.
I grew tired of this. So did he. Once I forgave myself for not putting every friggin effort I could think of to "save my marriage" and gave myself permission to admit that I'd been rather unhappy for a long time (Oh, the failure!!!), then it was easier for me to consider another life without him in it.