Throwing a flaming lighter at someone isn't nothing. I hope you will suggest alateen meetings for your daughter. Sounds like she's not equipped to handle this alcoholic environment. Why should she be? She's 12. But her provoking behavior makes her sound like a codie in training. Between that and hormones you gotta feel for the kid.
I would tend to agree with you that ratting on him to his grandparents is likely to backfire. Somehow it might become your fault.. in their eyes as well as his. You can't control him with that kind of manipulation any more than your daughter can control him with her commentary. Learn the lesson of the lighter. :wink2:
Hugs!