What I learned in Al Anon.
I am in a lifeboat with my addict in the middle of the ocean. I can see the shore way off in the distance. My addict jumps out and insists on swimming. I see they are getting tired, and not really swimming in, but swimming in place. I throw them the life jacket, and a rope. They put it on briefly. Then they take it off, and insist on swimming again. Each time it is wearing me down to keep throwing the rope. They are slowly starting to drown.
I have 2 choices....keep up the insanity by throwing the rope over and over, until I won't have the energy to paddle ashore....or...stop...and paddle ashore.
It is hard to see, when you are right in the middle of it all, yet I promise you it does get better. Everyday is better. Everyday is a day towards getting yourself better.
Do you want to stay in the same rut, cycle, chaos you have lived? Or do you want to move forward?
Yes, you both may be miserable at the moment, but in time, you won't be, and it is quite possible she still will be.
Sometimes NC, and ending it all, may just be the wake up call.
Things I learned during my divorce from my first husband, that I didn't see at the time....
1. You can absolutely love someone from a distance.
2. Tough love sometimes is the best thing.
3. Knowing my EX and I were no longer compatible was devastating, and I was so hurt by the fact he had a girlfriend. Fast forward 3 years later, and when they broke up, I was the shoulder he cried on, and I encouraged him to work it out, and they did.
4. His happiness with her, makes me extremely happy these days.
It will get better.