Struggling today
I can't stop feeling guilty because I ended the relationship. I was all that she had left...the only thing she said that made her feel good besides alcohol, food and shopping. I became so distant...I was so dishonest...I didn't cheat, but I did reach out to others. I felt so isolated. I was embarrassed because of the situation I was in. It's been a week since the last contact. Everyone who knows me, disagrees with all of the horrible things she's saying about me. So, why does it not matter what they believe? The only thing that really matters is what she thinks, feels, and says. I could fix this just like I fixed it last time and the time before and the time before that. I could tell her that I love her and I miss her; that I made a mistake and please forgive me. And in a way I would feel better, but only because she would feel better, because really that's all that matters. What sense is it for both of us to be miserable right now?
Intellectually, I know it's all crazy talk. I've read the books on codependency. I went to alanon three times, but then she found out and ridiculed me so badly and accused me of being secretive that I never went back. I do have a counselor that I see weekly.
I'm just sad. I know it'll get easier with time.
KIR