More craziness.........
The past two weeks have been insane for me. On Memorial Day night XABF sent me a sweet text message about the day he met me being so special, blah, blah, blah. I fell for it, and responded with some more sweet nonsense. We didn't text long, and I went to sleep. The next morning I was checking my email and I had an email from Ashley Madison.com. I opened it and it was a message for my X informing him that he had a new message at Ashley Madison from Bad, Bad, KittyKat. When we were living together we shared an email. It was a comcast email, and I payed for the comcast account after he left, so I kept using the email. Well, apparently so did he. I was pissed, no, disgusted. Then I googled Ashley Madison.com and found out it is a site for married women looking to cheat, and it's a scam anyways. I literally thought I was going to be sick.
I texted him and told him he had a message from bad,bad,kittykat, and that he might want to check that out. He called me 6 times, but I was at work, and couldn't answer my cell phone. We argued back and forth a little bit via text, and at one point he told me he was going to cut off the internet and the power, since both of those things are in his name. So, when I got off of work I texted him and asked him to let me know the dates that he was going to have the services cut off, so I could make arrangements, and, hopefully, not have my 12 year old son sitting in the dark. He got angry and told me to stop asking him for stuff, and to leave him the f**k alone. We started agruing a little more and he told me I was pathetic, and I lost it!
I held nothing back. I went off on him, and told him exactly what I think about the way he is choosing to live his life right now. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him, and said some horrible, horrible things to him. I was devastated. I couldn't believe he was dating already, or trying to date, especially when we had just "been together" 3 weeks earlier, and he was just telling me how special I was to him the night before. It was a new level of pain that I was feeling. He had hurt me plenty before, but not quite like this.
Two days later I tried to check my email, and discovered that he had canceled the internet, that I pay for. I couldn't believe it. Everytime he sinks to a new level of low I am shocked, it's really ridiculous. I didn't go off this time, I had nothing left. I just couldn't keep fighting with him. He had just proven that he was willing to go farther than I was, and I just didn't have any fight left in me.
So, I just got the internet back a couple of days ago. I didn't contact my X for a week, no contact at all. Then I started feeling badly about the things I said to him. I know that might sound ridiculous, but I could have expressed myself without attacking him on a personal level. And, anytime I stoop to his level, and behave badly, I am left feeling ashamed of myself. So, after about a week I started feeling badly about my behavior. I texted him and told him I needed to apologize for the way I handled the situation. I told him I didn't want a response, I just wanted to atone for what I did, to clear my own conscience. He responded anyways and told me that he has not been with any other girls, and that he wants to believe that I'm sorry, but he doesn't want to get his hopes up. HE wants to believe ME? And HE doesn't want to get HIS hopes up? Give me a break! I just didn't respond. That was 3 days ago, and I haven't contacted him since.
I don't even know how I feel about all of it anymore. I just can't believe how screwed up everything has gotten. Before we split if someone would have told me we would not be spending the rest of our lives together I would have laughed in their face. Now, not only are we not together, but it's gotten so ugly. I never thought we would get to this place, but I never thought he would be an alcoholic either. I am devastated when I think about what we have lost, what we once had, that seems to now be gone. We were best friends at one time, and now we are tearing each other apart.
I finally realize that I can not have any contact with him as long as he is drinking, it just hurts too much. It never goes well anyways. I feel pretty defeated right now, and just so sad. I keep working on me, and trying to get my life back in order, and that makes me feel better. The pain is still there though, and I have a feeling it won't be going anywhere anytime soon.
Thanks for "listening". I needed to vent.