Hi everyone.
On Friday morning I woke up with a cracking hangover and the words (that I could still remember) from my eternally disappointed boyfriend still ringing in my ears from the night before. I knew that this time there would be no more excuses - it just wouldn't wash to promise to stop drinking. We have part-time custody of his three boys and I have a perfect daughter and I finally understood I could lose everything - and I could lose everything for him too. I could say a lot more about me and my drinking but I don't have all day
As soon as my boyfriend had left for work I did what I had been promising myself I would all through the sleepless night. I looked up AA on the internet and went to my first meeting - before I had the chance to change my mind. Everything was against me. I work in a school and even though I went to a different town to my own there seemed to be kids from school everywhere. Then when I got to the meeting I realised the time stated on the internet was wrong - it started at 12.00 not 1.00 and there was only half an hour left. I could hear a man talking about his experiences through the door and though I was terrified to interrupt I also knew that today was the day - if I left now I would be a coward and a failure and I might not have the courage to get that far again.
So once he had finished I pushed the door open and ran to a seat at the back. And being there really, really, really helped. Everyone was holding it together so I tried really hard not to cry but I could relate to so much of what the people were saying that it was really hard. On top of that I was still feeling hungover from the night before and I felt guilty that my breath might smell of alcohol. But the people were so welcoming and they offered me so much to help me through the first part of my recovery.
Anyway, I'm already feeling positive. I haven't drank since Thursday night - though I seem to see it everywhere. Characters on soaps, adverts and of course the World Cup. I never really noticed how much it was all over the place until this weekend. It has brought to my own attention that my whole life revolved (secretly) about where my next drink was coming from.
As usual I spent Friday night and all day Saturday doing our house renovation with my boyfriend. This usually involved me sloping off for cans of lager or some wine. Yesterday we gave ourselves the day off from the house in honour of the world cup and he asked me "where shall we go today then? What should we do?". Of course had he asked me last week I'd have suggested a meal and some drinks in town before finding a bar to watch the match in and would even be planning my drinks menu in my head. Knowing how hard I'm trying to find my way in my new, sober life my boyfriend suggested going to my parents house to watch the match. Even then I remembered how this would usually involve me grabbing a couple of bottles of wine or a crate of beer. Instead I bought the Daily Mirror and a massive bag of crisps with dips so I had other things to do with my hands while the game was on.
Sorry it's taken all that to get to my question - but this is what I'm finding hardest. How do I have fun again? Just watching the match or going for a walk or meeting my friends after work has never been the focus of what 'turns me on'. Instead it would be the
drinking while watching the football, a country walk with a decent (or not decent) pub at the end of it or chewing over the working day with colleagues over a glass (bottle) of wine.
I'm trying really hard to make the sober parts fun - but in truth I'm finding it really, really hard. I've spent increasingly every day from my late teens to my mid-thirties looking forward to drink. While it has had the most awful, negative effect on my most of the time it has also made me the
best singer (I'm tone deaf!), the
best dancer (with my two left feet) it has given me the confidence to talk to people who my friends bring on nights out with them when sober I'm too tounge-tied.
So now I'm split in half. I love the fact that I haven't had a hangover for two days and that I'm not getting downstairs or mid-sentence and forgetting why I'm there or what I'm talking about. But on the other hand I don't know how to have fun or how to BE fun anymore. Does anyone else think this way? If so, does it get any better?
