I agree for me it was subtle and then one day the whole big picture emerged. I became exhausted from all of it and sick all the time physically and mentally. Today I went to get a glass I needed and I had a flashback to a memory of him using it for his drink and I had to acknowledge how bad it got.
Then I got to give myself the greatest gift of all..I never have to talk to him again. I never need to discuss what he did. I dont need the closure because I was there and I have admitted he is a mentally sick person. I know if I talked to him all he would hear is "blah, blah,blah". For me I need nothing from him.
I made the decision as soon as I am medically cleared to resume normal activities I am having him served. I just had surgery so dont want to do too much at once. And I wont change my mind this time. I have to see him one last time..In court and I dont have to look at him. I can just keep my head high and look at the judge and I hope I never have to look him in his ugly, cruel face again. I literally want to run from him. I am done. I wish this peace for you.
I admit sometimes I get a bit freaked out about being alone but then I remind myself he is just a habit. That will pass. Besides being the A I got used to having someone around and that is just a simple habit to break. It helps me to rationalize and understand what I am feeling.
How did I get here? Life got in the way..i worked, I was newly married so I knew there was an adjustment period and he went from drinking to being a drunk pretty quickly. Then I had to realize he tried to blame everything on me for a while and I fell for it. I forgive myself for that. I guess after 3 years of marriage I got out quickly. No kids. Just a fresh new start. I have friends that love me and my HP has been really good to me recently. I am on a journey to get to know myself and face myself. I hope its a beautiful self discovery.
Hugs and peace to you...
Lulu