For me, it was because the changes were so gradual that I didn't see what was happening. Each little thing in itself could be explained away as not that bad, then it became something I got used to, then it got a little bit worse etc etc. It was only when things came to a head and XAH's behaviour deteriorated rapidly that I realised 'this isn't right'! It is only fairly recently that I've identified XAH's behaviour as emotional abuse. I had become so habituated to him and his controlling that I couldn't see from an outside perspective until I was out of the situation. I was kept so off balance that I couldn't think straight.