Hi, Pear. Your question has been one on my mind quite a bit lately. I was - am - smart, considered myself pretty logical and 'together'. Yet I stayed through years of sheer hell that held only brief times of joy. Not logical at all. I got sucked into my AH's lies and believed many of them, even though doing so made me feel like I was going crazy....
I'm coming to the realization that I wanted a family and home (not just a building, but a feeling, a place of shelter) of my own so strongly and I thought I could make my relationship with AH fit that Hope/Dream if I just tried hard enough, if I just did this or that, that I was able to flat out deny or minimize all the crazy and hurtful s***.
In a recent session with my counselor, she called me on the fact that I haven't yet filed for divorce and said that it seems I'm still waiting for AH to be the type of man to give me that family. That sucks, because I think she may be right. But I know AH can't. I don't feel sheltered, secure, loved, respected or safe when I think of life with him. In fact I feel physically sick at the thought of even dating him, much less taking him back. I know it, but that crazy, insecure girl I became with his drinking still wants to hold on.
I'm seeing such a long road in front of me to show that girl I can still have that family and home with my son, that maybe some day in the future there will be some one we can share that feeling of respect, shelter and love with. But I can see the road now, maybe not the end of it, but maybe I can start walking. It's just one foot in front of the other for now.
I hope I get there. Sorry, this turned into my own ramble; I'm not sure if it offers any support for you, Pear, other than to let you know you're not alone with the question.