Some thoughts from today:
I don't have to see my relapses as 'failures'. My experiences have prepared me for today.
I don't have to hate everything and everyone around me just because life can seem hard sometimes.
I am unlikely to be transformed into a religious-maniac-cult-zombie by undertaking this programme.
If I drink, I'm dead. Just a matter of time. Immediately saying that phrase in my head when I start romanticising alcohol (and I always picture myself with chilled white wine in a glorious rural sunset for some reason when the reality of my drinking is far less discriminating, and I live in a city) or have a physical craving gives me a moment to think of a whole library of memories: hospital beds, cells, my wife's sadness, could go on and on and on . . . and so far this has really helped with any sticky moments. If that isn't sufficient, I now have a selection of 24 hour helplines, and a mobile phone.
Not only do I not have to control every thread of the past, future and present with the force of my personality, but the first two don't even exist.
Although the moral inventory and making of amends are particularly daunting and that not much about this is likely to be easy, much of what seems to be happening in my head is letting go of preconceptions / prejudices. Not taking on a further burden as I have always imagined it, just releasing the negativity that has weighed me down for years.
This week has been very cool.
Getting this stuff out at SR is just brilliant. So far in meetings I haven't gone much further than saying 'hi', that I'm an alcoholic and am glad to be there (except once). Several members have been really generous with their time outside of meetings, but even then . . .well, I feel like an emotional infant! Surely this will change.
So right now, I'm very grateful for this site, and for all the extraordinary people who populate it.