I do know how hard it is. I used to wish simultaneously that my XAH would never contact me again, and strangely all I wanted was to hear from him. I had grown so comfortable in my nervous state of, whatever it was, agitated love or obsession, or drama, I guess. I just kept re-reading my journal, over and over, all the times I wrote in my pain. That helped.
Hugs,
Soph - and you're not alone!