Didn't expect that!
DAY 5!!!
Actually it is just late on day 4, but no sleep likely so I might as well call it morning.
Having spent my whole life fiercely resistant to any kind of spirituality, I forced myself to pray this evening (I even find writing that word, 'pray' difficult) as I have been advised that even if I didn't 'feel it', doing it anyway can be a very useful thing to do.
Feeling ridiculous and phoney, I tried at first to remember how we were made to pray at school but in the end just started talking to the world / universe. I asked for guidance through tomorrow so that I could be useful, not destructive in my actions, and that a colleague of mine for whom I have harboured some very strong resentments could find relief from the mental turmoil she sufers from. I chose this person because previously I have spent hours brooding over how awful she is and in my mind she has been an enemy and responsible for much of my own unhappiness.
I found myself talking freely (in my head) for much longer than I had intended to, and to my amazement, found myself saying 'I love you' to the universe. It just kind of came out. I was left with a brief sense of being part of the world in a way that I haven't felt, well - ever. If you knew me you would not bet on this ever happening.
Just wanted to share what is to me something really significant. No desire for religion in my life, but a hunger for something good to fill the gap in the middle of me that has been plugged with alcohol and self-hatred for so many years. This was an amazing moment.
Still wholly confused, sleepless and full of anxiety but also a little bit elated as something seems to be shifting in my head.
Going to keep reading and posting as it seems to help a lot; going to meetings and learning more about this programme.
Thanks everyone. x