Jenny1232

I woke up this morning... and I was pretty sad at the fact that he hadn't tried to contact me. Despite having blocked him from emailing or calling me, I knew there were 'other' ways to contact me. I just wanted to know that he still cared.

I had a male friend spend the night with me last night. (Mind you, I was never allowed to hang out with this guy, because my ex thought there was more to it). No one was home, and I didn't like the idea of being alone (and I have about three friends) and nothing else to do. I've been hanging out with this guy a lot, because we enjoy hiking, biking and climbing together (neither of us really have anyone else to do it with, as all our climbing buddies scattered off). My mind had been pretty preoccupied all weekend.. so it hit me this morning.

I hadn't spoken to him since tuesday, when it was finally called quits for good. So, I start my day, just annoyed at the fact that "he doesn't care" or "he would have tried to contact me". I went to leave this morning.. and I saw a note on my car.

It broke my heart. He came by the one night a guy is here. The note read something along the lines of:

"So this is really it? I'm so upset and crying. You have X in your bed. I wasn't telling you lies, I thought you'd see that. Everything was exaggerated. I loved you so much. I didn't deserve this, I have a good heart. I swear on my life you are misinformed of whatever you're hearing. Why Jenny Why did you leave? Why are you doing this?"

I felt SO bad. I decided to send him a message (which he can't respond to) saying how it all became too much, the pain was unbearable, and I had to block him so I wouldn't get sucked in. I wanted to reassure him that X and I are only friends (just because I know how badly that would hurt). I told him I was sorry, I just couldn't do it anymore. I said, I didn't want answers anymore, that it was over.

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Now, I'm left wanting to contact him. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to hear his voice. I feel SO bad, even though nothing happened. I don't like hurting him, as it hurts me so much. I feel so guilty for causing him pain. I'm very proud of myself, for the fact I called my friend, and then came here, rather than calling him. I felt like he deserved it. My last ex broke up with me, and ignored me for three months. No explanation, and I learned how extremely painful that was.. which is why I told him my reasons.

I keep telling myself.. if he's that desperate to try and reach me, he could. He knows where I live. He could easily use another phone in attempt to get me to answer. That is the only thing that makes my guilt subside.

I'm fighting the urge to contact him. I just want to hear his voice. I had a really great weekend - I've been super busy, I haven't cried. I just had a great time, and that is my driving force to move forward. I just feel..stuck.

Any words of advice, opinions, or anything would be greatly appreciated. It really helped me to just write it all out here.

Thank you for listening.