Thanks
I'm feeling just so sad today. I think the thought he might acctually die is starting to sink in. There in no words to explain how I feel. My 6 yo son started to cry tonite over something stupid, but couldn't stop. I've never heard a child cry in so much pain before. I couldn't comfort him. he cried himself to sleep. Now I'm crying too, which is good I guess as I dind't cry at all since AH was admitted into hospital.
This morning I took my daughter to the bus station, she's off on a two day trip with her dance group. And there were all these parents there, mostly dad and mums together as this is kids first trip, and all these people know me and they know what's going on, but no one asked anything and they were all trying hard to act normal. And one of the parents is a radiologist that did the US on the AH last week and made the initial diagnoisis. And all of it was just too much at 7 o'clock in the morning.
And from than on the whole day went wrong. And than lot of people were stopping me on the street or phoning me to ask about AH, and I don't know what to say. "It's really bad, there is a chance, but no one can know how big that chance is". And than they don't know what to say, and I don't know what else to say, and I just want to run away.
And AH can hardly speak, and I don't know if it's the drugs they're giving him or is he just too weak, or is it that his speach is slured because of the toxins in his brain.
And than I kept looking at him, thinking he doesn't look as yellow as he did yesterday, he looks better, and than I'm not sure if that's true.
And than I saw myself in the mirror and I thought who is that woman. I could hardly recognize myself. I look so drained and thin and there is a pain writen all over my face...
Today is just a such a bad day. And I feel overwhelmed, and I hate alcoholism. It is a such a horible desease. It took my grandad, my dad and it's now taking my husband away. And I know I have to go through this and I have to pull myself together for my kids, but just can't do it today.
So, eventhough I know it all, I have to say this, I have to scream this here as there is no other place where I can do it: I WANT HIM TO LIVE! HE HAS TO LIVE! I CAN'T BEAR LOSING HIM! OUR KIDS NEED HIM! HE'S A GOOD MAN HE DESERVES ANOTHER CHANCE!
I'm sorry I'm getting crazy here on you guys, I just needed to vent. I'm just so hurt and angry, and sad, and devastated,... today, I have to say to myself that's just today, tomorrow might be different...