I can feel the confusion in your post. Make that man stay gone. Even if you don't think or feel like you want to make a permenant decision regarding that make him stay gone long enough for you to gain some clarity in your thoughts. It will make so much difference.
I experience a lot of that confusion and I didn't have to deal with half of what you have. It is so hard but it begins to clear if you demand some space in your life.
Be strong in this moment. Your life depends on it.
