Thanks everyone. Venting did help a little. I have had such a rough couple of days. I guess I didn't even think about the fact that these kind of days would definitely trigger feelings to just get drunk or go out an buy cigarettes. At least that is something. In all of my emotional turmoil I haven't had any drinking urges. Wow. How times have changed in that respect. And I just realized that even though out the stress of the last few days, I forgot that I was an ex-smoker. I had been having some serious desire to light up again but I didn't even consider that today or yesterday.
I did have a complete anxiety meltdown on monday. I was crying hysterically and my lips started getting this strange feeling as happened when I had an anxiety attack in the past. I couldn't speak sensibly or define why I was having this meltdown and I simply collapsed on the floor. The positive thing was that my daughter didn't witness any of this (it was after she went to bed) and I was able to bring myself out of it eventually by realizing that I couldn't just collapse and give in to the anxiety and needed to pull it together for my daughter. I took a homeopathic anxiety sub-lingual thing and relaxed with some deep breathing.
Between the anxiety attack and today I came to the conclusion that I am suffering from a social anxiety disorder. I have thought this in the past but never really followed through with the cognitive behavorial therapy that one must do to help with the problem. I have an appt with a therapist today.
Thanks for being there to listen. I am 35. Maybe some day I will have a new way of dealing with negative thoughts or maybe I will get to a point where I don't have them at all.