This disease is insidious and I have serious doubts if I am capable of getting sober.
You're right. You are incapable of getting sober. We all are. That's why we need a power greater than ourselves.
When I came into AA this time, I had lost the power of choice in drink. Utterly. Completely. I would swear from the bottom of my heart to my spouse, child, and anyone else who would listen that I was DONE drinking for good. And I
meant it. Yet several hours later I'd be pouring myself a drink. Sometimes I'd be telling myself I blew my drinking out of proportion and it really wasn't that bad, or I'd convince myself I'd only have a few. Sometimes I didn't think at all. I have been that person in the big book pounding on the bar and saying, "How did this happen again?"
My bottom wasn't losing my material possessions, getting into legal trouble, or ruining my relationships. My bottom happened when the fact that I had lost the power of choice became a distinct reality. As real as gravity. Still is. I surrender the delusion that I have a choice when it comes to alcohol. I surrender that delusion every day. I'm still incapable of staying sober. That's why I need to practice the 12 steps in order to enlarge my spiritual life and develop a conscious contact with a power greater than myself. That power gives me the gift of another sober day, one day at a time, or a daily reprieve if you will.