I'm posting this here instead of the DDT. Many of you know my MIL problems. XAH is the apple of her eye. She admits he's done wrong, but now that he's 'clean' he's her shining star again. She will do ANYTHING for him. XAH is in jail going on 70 days now for a bench warrant. He missed court and FIL and I called police, told them where he was and had him picked up. XAH actually told her he was GLAD that I did this and said it was the best thing that could have happened to him. Said he would have gotten clean no other way. She says it's not fair.
MIL and I are not doing well...We don't really fight, but anytime his name comes up she immediately defends him, I do not. He's where he's @ because he walked every step of the way to get there. She disagrees, says it's not 100% his fault. She's been putting $100+ in his commissary every week because she wants to be sure he has $ to eat on (he doesn't like cafeteria food - I say tough luck, you're not @ the Hilton) and she wants him to be able to call. My response to this is if you have THAT much extra $ to spare put in his child support account that he's behind on. She of course gets mad @ me because it's not fair that *I'm* making him pay child support when he can't even work because he's in jail. (It's automated through CSEA - outta my control)
She called my cell and left a vm last week. She has this cocky tone and says "why do you have your phone off the hook XAH is trying to call you and how's he suppose to get through blah, blah, blah." When I heard the msg anger just infused me. Firstly, I did not have my phone off the hook, line went bad, secondly it's MY phone, I'll leave it off the hook any time I want too, thirdly I am not going to jump through hoops just because he's trying to call. He went MONTHS avoiding mine when he was active. She is also furious with me because I've not been to the jail to visit him. Says the only one he wants to see is you and you can't even go see him?
XAH is possibly going to stay with his dad and enter a 6 month treatment center 7 states away. Her latest comment is that she thinks that 6 months is too long. I about fell over. I said he's been on drugs 10x longer than that. She said well it's only been heroin for 2 years. I said yes, and it was OXYCONTIN for the 5 prior to that! She said she didn't want him gone that long and didn't know if she could go that long without seeing him. WTF??
I HAVE told her that it is apparant that we cannot talk about him and be civil. She says I'm being stupid, we're family blah, blah, blah and hangs up on me. I talk to her maybe about 1x every week or 10 days and there is always tension. Always.
The only reason I want to have somewhat of a R with her is because of the kids. They love her, she loves them etc. They do go stay overnight and she does spend time with them. I have limited this greatly due to everything that has happened. My twins are 9. I don't want them to not have a R with their grandma. I do VERY CLOSELY monitor her dealings with them and she is a good grandma (though she'd let my kids walk all over her if they were bad kids - they are not though).
From here on out I would like to place boundaries with her and stick with them. Every time I've done that in the past she gets defensive, accusatory and I can't hold my tongue when she defends his actions. Can you guys give me some ideas as to how to approach this? I've avoided it recently and just bit my tongue, but it's coming to a head and I'm tasting the blood from biting my tongue so hard!
Contact with her has been cut by probably about 75% of what it was.
In the past XAH has even told MIL that she's unreasonable. He's also told me I'm sorry, you know MIL, just do the best that you can. The thing is I DO NOT HAVE to deal with this anymore.
I realize that I'm an equal part of the equation, but the woman is downright unreasonable and a few bricks shy of a full load. I fully understands that she loves her son. I have decided that I want my kids to be able to go to grandma's etc, but I also want that limited from what it was before. Do you guys have ANY suggestions here? This has been simmering a LONG time.