Trouble is, I dont even know what makes me happy anymore or if I ever was. I seem to go with the flow, find it hard to tell people I love whats really on my mind. You know, dont want to upset anyone or rock the boat. Im the support system remember.
Ive thought about my life, was I really there? Sure, got up in the morning, went to work, did the whatevers that needed doing and went to bed. I never demanded anything from anyone, dont have a whole lot of friends, cant tell my mother whats really on my mind (cos oh boy she cant see me upset). Sometimes (like cmc said) Sometimes I switch how I'm feeling about myself as if it was not about me but someone else...that's oftentimes how I can catch myself slipping away from where I want to be.
this is how I feel -Usually when Ive been hurt in the past Id use that switch on/off but right now that switch is ON. Im feeling it all - everything in the past, family, crisis, death and pain, all the hurt and for once I dont know how to deal with it. Im angry at them, sorry doesnt even cut it anymore.
Why on earth couldnt either one of my parents ever tell me they loved me, why couldnt they show affection. So many alcoholics in my family, Im wondering whether I am too. But stop, not me, Im the straight one remember, the one with no problems. Years of dealing with my sister and son with addictions and she goes and dies. Im sad because I wont grow old with her, I worry about my kids all the time but also know that I cant control any of it. Maybe I just need time, I need time off from it all but how do I escape.