did you make it?
Hi, I'm new here.
My husband of 9 years is hurting, is an addict. He can see the life he wants, the person he would rather be, but the disease is very cunning.
He has been on (and off) of antibuse for 3 years, he was seeing an addiction therapist for a year and he occasionally goes to AA.. always with the intention of going more often ~ sigh. (of course this all dates much further back but this is a good starting place for my explanation of things)
Because of not working the steps, because he just removed the drinking from his life with antibuse not the way of thinking, he still has the addiction boredom and has become an obsessive pot smoker. (Thanks CA for making it legal and on every corner- frick)
Some people don't think pot is much more than a choice. Those people don't understand the emotional attachment. I know my husband well, I know his heart, I see through his sickness and see him. I know his cycle of self hate for failing, and I know his deceptive blame of me when desperate to find a way to allow his love affair to flourish . It's a sick battle and there is excuse after excuse to protect something that he ultimately hates as much as I do.
I have hurts, painful memories of things said, and behavior that was shocking. I know the guy who is drunk, the guy who is high, the guy who is "light using to be normal" and the guy who is going day 1,2,3,4, 5.....sober.. the first week is most vicious and hurtful towards me. I also know the guy who is day 20 who starts to talk with hope but so easily gets convinced that now that he is here he can just sometimes smoke a little pot , cause after all "it is better than that dark place of drinking". He thinks maybe he can control the pot use and BAM back into round the clock smoking, eventually leading to taking a week off the antibuse to binge drink.. and saga onward.
My focus has been my own emotional maturity. How I react, what things I allow to replay and hurt me in my mind. Making the choice to say inside " screw that, that is a lie, I do NOT take that bizzare bs about me" I too have found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, door shut for a good cry fest in private. I have stayed up awake wondering how truly mad he is directly at me or if it was just another excuse to take off and worried that he is safe or not. I want my husband back, and I am filled with anger for the disease and all of the sly things that come with it.. but NOT for him.
This is were I have fears. I do believe he will conquer this. there has been many times that he takes it real serious, not just the bs speech to buy him time either (there has been those too) and he takes on the challenge of sobriety..he trys really hard but does it virtually alone and falls. Now he is willing to go to a recovery center (to be forced to take a time out of busy life to focus on this) and will be going at the end of this month. His attempts to commit to AA meetings, get a sponsor and so on has failed over and over because he leads such a busy life and thinks he can manage things when he is doing good, and when he is doing bad it just grabs him.
So my fear is of what if my story is like so many on here... Am I that person who in a few more years will be saying "I believed, I supported, my husband went to treatment after treatment, now I have moved on".
That thought robs me of hope.
Is there someone on here who has made it? That their husbands addiction and destructive path did not destroy the marriage. Did you get through it, did you get your life back with the man you love, and grow together.. or is this a fairy tale???
My husbands friend approached me this past weekend (his confidant). He said to me " from the beginning, you two have had a natural, powerful attraction and love for each other, if 2 people can make it, it is you". My reply to him was " at this point if it was not for that, I would be fully detached by now, this has got to end, the person he is right now is not the person that that attraction exists with"
I can't even explain what a beautiful person he is inside and what a great husband he is in so many other ways. He works hard to provide, he protects his kids from seeing this side of him (or so he thinks) he goes above and beyond for everyone in his life, extremely giving and surprisingly a very functional addict.. because he is such an over achiever, this helps to trick him that he can have it and a successful life. This also is part of his addiction, "how far can I go and still pull it off". He's got so much love for us and too much hate for himself, guilt and ultimatum's feed the cycle of failure...
anyway.. thats about enough for now.
Long time success stories? Still married and in love with your recovering spouse of many years???
Thanks