I felt shame because it was the very last thing people expected of me. I grew up with an alcoholic father. We grew up pretty poor, with just my mother and a very small income. I worked hard and went to beauty school. From there, I bought a house and put myself through college, then moved here and went to law school. I was very independent and just essentially moved through life with goals, accomplishing all of them. The problem was, when I was doing all of that, I was completely needless. So, I swung the other way. I still put on the show that I was strong and independent, but inside, I was completely hooked on my xabf to the point of forgetting I existed. I would tell people about some of the emotional abuse and everyone would say they were surprised I stayed. I was a fraud, so to speak, so I came to be ashamed of myself for not only accepting his horrible treatment, but for being a living, breathing lie of a person. I hadn't been angry about anything that he did in months, so this was out of the blue. Now it is what it is.
I do know that I will never feel shame for anything that happens in my relationships again. I am human and imperfect. So is the other person. What someone else does is no reflection of me. I am going through some difficulty with the new guy right now. I think before when I was having problems with xabf, I would worry about what people thought if I ended it, like I was some failure for doing that. It was so illogical, but made perfect sense at the time. I don't know what will happen at this point with the new guy. I only know that no matter what it is, I will be okay and it's all just part of my process.