I think it maybe has something to do with expectations too.
I never had same expectations from my former boyfrieds as I did from my AH. Or maybe I did at some point but than grew out of it, and it finished kind of naturally (at least for me). But with AH I had such a hight expectations of what our life should be and felt it's only his drinking that stands in a way. And it felt like that's the only obstacle to our happiness. Giving up those expectations and accepting his alcoholism not only as an obstacle to our happiness, but the thing that makes him the person he is today is very hard for me, and I find it to be the main reason I'm not at peace with it.
And yes, the stuff you mentioned too
