I have been feeling okay over the weekend, though I had dreams about my ex both last night AND the night before. The first night I dreamed that I was in the hospital for some unknown reason and he was there being really sweet and kind to me, and then another of my ex-boyfriend's showed up and was making me nervous and he chased him off. Last night I dreamed he was was using and shoving it in my face, doing it right in front of me and being really mean and confrontational about it, and he was also with another girl and being really showy about it to try to make me jealous. It was disturbing, and I woke up feeling sick.
And I am starting to feel like I miss him, which was not the case before. I don't really know what to do about that but I guess I need to get those thoughts and feelings out because I realized I was unconsciously making sneaky plans to try to see him. My ex and I are from the same town, a small town in Maine, we both live in Boston now though. Anyway, his 20 year class reunion is coming up and I stumbled across the group page on facebook that is planning it. So I just happened to see what weekend it is happening and suddenly I thought what a great idea it would be to go home for the weekend that very same weekend, and well, if I just happened to bump into him it would be such a weird coincidence....hmmmm.
I really don't know what the heck I'm thinking, and why I'm trying to manipulate things that way. I really should not be trying to see him, especially in the 'whoops, what a coincidence, fancy seeing you here' kind of way.
Also, Friday night I was coming back from a friend's birthday party and I drove by his building when I was coming home. Not even sure why, his apartment is on the back side so it's not like I can even tell anything by driving by. It wasn't out of my way, but it's also not the way I would usually go home from my friend's house. Got to that intersection and instead of turning right I went straight, same amount of time and distance to get home but I don't normally drive that way because it's more traffic.
So what the heck am I doing??? Starting to fixate on him a little, I guess. I need to refocus on taking care of myself but it's so hard sometimes. My inclination is to look externally instead of internally. Other people's messy lives are more interesting than my own messy life.
I did do something good for myself today, I went kayaking with my dog for a few hours. It was nice to get out on the water and it was the perfect weather for it. Here's a pic (hope this works):
