sometimes I feel like I have made such a mess of me too. I'm so determined to continue to move forward and build up my time of not messing up so. Wow! Taking the step to go and get tested is a big one - and such a good way to start.
Once I got tested it helped me to make better and stronger decisions due to not wanting to be back in that place. That is the good that can come from it. Plus the relief of just knowing.
All of my life I had tried so hard to be good, kind, deligent, and nice. Once I accepted that I was not as nice and capable as I once pretended to be a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. All of a sudden, it felt "ok" to just be human.
My shame about the mess I've made of my life can sometimes cause me to isolate and withdraw. As time goes on and I've made better choices regarding self care some of my shame has disappeared. It really helped me to be a part of Naranon because that is where I finally became comfortable talking about some of the things in my life....because I heard others that had the same stories.
It's not easy to do what you are doing but it sure makes sense to suffer a little bit of short term pain in order to have long term gain.