I began my recovery a little while ago, and I would like to offer my insight to possibly help you understand what is going on. Keep in mind though that while many alcoholics share common threads, the same doesn't hold true for all of them. So, I will share my experience rather than making general statements. Also keep in mind though that I was apologetic, so I can’t say how likely it is that he’s remorseful even if he doesn’t show it. Also, I was not physically violent. Physical violence is extremely dangerous, and should not be tolerated; all it takes to kill someone is a moderately strong hit to the wrong place. He may not have hit you yet, but choking can be a precursor to hitting.
After I began my recovery, I stated looking back at some of the things that made me angry, sad, and hurt. I noticed that (before I stopped drinking) I was feeling just as angry or hurt over something just by thinking about it as I was when it happened, even if it had been years ago. There's a common saying in AA: at first it was fun, then it was fun with problems, then it was just problems. For several years, I would stop drinking for a little while or cut back if I felt it was going too far. About five years ago, I started drinking solely for the purpose of "dealing" with my feelings. The catch I didn’t see at the time was that my feelings weren’t being dealt with, they were just being covered up. This time, I didn’t stop drinking when it started causing problems and getting miserable. Over time, all those feelings built up and drove me into complete misery. Imagine if everything that had hurt you, made you sad, or made you angry in the past 5 years put together felt just as bad today as it did when it happened. That's a lot of hurt to have inside. While I don't like to be too presumptuous, I believe this happens with many alcoholics, and it is often why the pain associated with drinking is progressive.
All these negative emotions drove me into the ground. I felt worthless, incompetent, insecure, guilty, ashamed, and angry. The more I drank, the more I hurt. And the more I hurt, the more I drank. I worried constantly, became paranoid, delusional, and lashed out at people simply over thoughts and assumptions that raced around in my head. My perception of reality was very distorted, and though I knew drinking made everything worse, I didn’t began to understand what was happening with me until I sobered up.
Alcohol is much more powerful that many who haven’t fallen into it’s trap realize. It has been scientifically proven that it changes the way the brain functions. The brain begins to see alcohol as just as much of a "need" as food and water. I don't find this hard to believe; sometimes I would drink for days on end without eating. I would be so starved and dehydrated after a few days that I would start gulping down any food and non-alcoholic liquids in sight. Alcohol overpowered my most basic needs. Also, you would think that if someone was doing something that hurt them so badly inside, or hurt those they loved so much, they would stop doing it. But understand that it is an extremely powerful compulsion. I know that when I started getting a craving for a drink, my mouth would water, my heart would start racing, I would feel a tension building up in my body, and my thoughts were completely consumed by it.
I know being in your situation is heartbreaking, so I hope this has given you some insight into some of the things that may be causing him to do what he does. However, this does not mean that you should continue to tolerate it. I hate to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but my advice would be to leave or kick him out completely (make him find another place to stay for a while). If he truly loves you and values you, he will quit. I say this because my ex-fiance kicked me out, and it spurred me to start going to AA (I haven’t gotten her back yet, but it’s only been a couple of months :P). Then again, he may not quit. One thing is for certain though; if you stay, he’s going to keep drinking until something else makes him hit “rock bottom,” and there’s no telling how long that could take.