lightseeker

All of my life I've felt something internally - even viscerally - that I've referred to as "the hole". I was so shocked one day when I was at an AA meeting and someone referred to the hole. I thought that I was the only one in the world that felt that ...and to find out that there were so many others that felt the same way was such a shock, but also an awakening.

Although today I am feeling a great big old emptiness (aka the hole) inside of me I am aware that I am not alone.

I've been taught that if I take a look at what I'm trying to have some control over and how that is making my life unmanageable I might discover the trail head to helping the emptiness dissipate.

I've been on an emotional drunk for almost the last week now. Emotional drunks for me are when my relationships get in turmoil and I end up feeling like I do right now (which is rather yucky and disheartened btw). I am reacting so someone elses irritability, moods, obsessions, demands, and feelings. No wonder I feel the way that I do. I've given away my emotional sobriety by responding to the unmanageability in someone elses life.

So....back to what I can't control. I need to open my eyes back up to the awareness that I can't control how someone acts, does/doesn't take care of themselves and how that affects them, how someone treats me, or what they are interested in. I can't control whether someone is giving me what I need - even if it is a legitimate need.

My life can get pretty unmanageable when I give my serenity away - I feel sad, eat too much or don't eat at all, lose my joy, and feel despair. Basically, I am not free and happy to enjoy the life that I do have.

So now, it's time to practice detachment with love, stop trying to buy that bread at the hardware store (that I am CONVINCED they will carry someday apparently), and return to the basics. Self care.....rest, nutrition, seeking support where I know it can be found, BOUNDARIES (how close I should stand to the fire), and doing things that I enjoy.

Please God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.