Originally Posted by
mentallyexh 
Ok...so quickly AH started drinking again, and I knew it was going to increase so several days ago I told him I would not do it again, so he had a choice to make. When he came home drunk for the 5th time in 2 weeks - (the first time after I told him to make a choice) - I send an email asking him to find somewhere else to stay as long as he is going to drink and not seek recovery. So that was Sunday AM. Now, he sent me some rather mean messages like, tell my kids when you kiss them goodnight I am sleeping in my truck, and other similar things. So finally my guilt got the best of me and I said fine you can come back just don't drink. So he was here this evening acting like everything was "normal" like nothing had happened....just like every other time. So I looked at him and said I'm not going to pretend everything is ok...it is going to take work. He got angry and left the kitchen and said fine I won't take anymore of your time.....got angrier said a few more things took his things and left. OK....so now he is gone again....so here is my question what is it that makes me "crack" when I know what I am doing is right? And then this, which is about his behavior - I have read on here tha tmost of the AH's actually apologize to their wifes when they have done hurtful or mean things......, they actually tell them they was them back...mine has NEVEr apologized not even for putting his hands around my neck in the past......so does he reallly not feel the need to apologize, or maybe he just doesn't really want any of this either???? Anyway, ,your thoughts are very much appreciated.
mentallyexh,
i seem to remember you have very young children, including an infant where you were confined to bed rest and your husband threw things at you, like the laundry?
he comes home drunk 5 times in two weeks and when you try to enforce the consequences of his behavior all it takes is a little manipulative pity party to let him back in.
i think what makes you crack is waiting and hoping he will "get" it and apologize for all the hurt he has caused. I don't know about most of the AH's apologizing to their wives, unless they have gone through a complete spiritual transformation and start making amends. I dont think your husband is anywhere near that, has he started any recovery program?
He keeps coming back, because he can and he sees nothing wrong with his behavior.
Where are your children while this abusive alcoholic husband is around?
What do you think they are learning from your behavior, your leniency with enforcing boundaries?
My experience is ongoing. I had hopes that even if we divorced, exAH would want to be in the children's lives. No, only when it was convenient, he would arrive drunk and I had to be the evil bitch who said no. My children learned that fathers are unreliable, lying, thieving, truck living addicts.
My daughter is dating an addict, was on heroin but now using alchohol and benzos to self medicate. She thinks she can change him and bring out the good in him. Guess where she learned that?
It is a daily struggle, and I think I am finally getting through to her, especially since he started sleeping in his grandmothers car. He will not make any changes, because he is fine with what he is. I ask her often, can you accept him exactly as he is? I think she is finally seeing that if nothing changes, nothing changes.
Please remember your children when allowing your husband to stay there.
You could be paying for years while waiting for him to reach enlightenment.
Beth