Son mad about No contact
I went 99% no contact with my parents about 18 months ago in light of on-going criticism, largely of my parenting, unreasonable and impossible demands of me and my children, and clear double standards which included telling me it was my own fault and I deserved various bad treatments from people, including my sister screaming at me over a family dinner. I was told my best is not good enough, that my father 'doesn't like the new me' and 'can't stand being around my children.' (Most people think my kids are pretty good.) To prove his point, he told me the kids are LOUD when they (my parents) come for cake and ice cream on the kids' birthdays. (Yeah, there are a whole pack of boys from 18 down to 2, plus parents and sisters, plus a few neighborhood friends.)
My dad's words were the final straw. He's been pretty good since I moved back to his part of the country, but harsh on the kids, to the point we made no effort to take the kids there anyway, except for holidays. But his behavior through my high school and young adult years was verbally abusive, blaming me for insane things (like his marriage problems, never mind that he had been beating up my mother, that was somehow my fault, too), and choking me when I was 23.
So my son asked tonight if they can come over for cake and ice cream tonight. I said he's welcome to go see them tonight or any time, but no, they've made it clear they don't even like coming here and are too critical of me and of the little kids. My son is now angry with me. I asked how he would feel if the criticisms were aimed at him, and he just glared at me and refused to answer. In the past, when I've pressed for answers in this situation, he gives me some response about how he refuses to give me the answer I want and I won't accept his answer. I didn't bother pressing this time. I know my son. He wouldn't sit back for this treatment himself.
I know all my kids are upset with this situation. My dad told them yesterday at someone else's house they are welcome at his cabin any time. Yeah--and I'm stressed out the whole time because my whole family is on top of every move yelling at my kids, often when I'm literally already opening my mouth to take care of them, and then telling me I don't watch my kids. (Funny, after a lifetime of being the only parent on the playground.) My parents have in the past either slapped my youngest boys right in front of me (for not smiling for the camera when he was 3!) or threatened and tried to (when a 2 year old fussed after 24 near-straight hours in his car seat on a cross country trip.) But my kids *want* to go to the cabin. And my parents and sisters keep inviting them when I'm not around, and then I have to deal with this.
What in the world do I do? I have told my children briefly some of the background, but I do NOT want to be like my mother who had a 20 year campaign to try to turn me against my grandmother. I don't want to harp on it. I want to move on with my life and be left in peace. I have not stopped my children having a relationship with them and say nothing critical or negative, except in a situation like this where I am directly challenged to allow them into my home.
How do I keep my boundaries in this situation?