posiesperson

This is a hard weekend. This is the 1 year anniversary of the breakup of an emotionally abusive relationship I was in, and then I jumped right into the relationship that I just ended a little over a month ago. Add that to Mother's Day and some conflicting feelings I have toward my Mom, and it's been a little rough. I've been feeling like I'm still hanging onto some tiny little bits of hope for this relationship that just ended (and maybe even for the relationship that ended a year ago) and I need to let it go.

Tonight I was talking with a friend who is also processing a recent breakup, and while we sat together she deleted all of his text messages from her phone. Then we came back to my house and I did what I've been thinking about doing for a while: I deleted ALL of my exA's e-mails, all of my responses, everything--all 700+ messages. Along with hitting the "delete" button went the person I thought I fell in love with. There are no more reminders on the side of my e-mail login screen, the little icon for that folder of saved stuff is gone, gone, gone. And then I went to the trash folder and deleted all again. Just to be sure. And then I deleted the e-mail addresses of both exs.

I admit to reading several of the e-mails before deleting the folder. I can see how, in the beginning, there was hope. There were promises to be loyal, and concerns expressed about disappointing me. I felt so jaded and sad as I read those messages, knowing now what I surely didn't know then. It was hard to read some of those words, knowing what would come next, how I would be hurt and how my codependency would cause pain. Ah, all the things I didn't know then. I'm wiser, but it's a loss, too--those words from me were just plain well-intentioned and innocent belief (denial?) that we could overcome. That was before the lies, the manipulation, being screamed at, compromising myself for the sake of running as fast as I could from my own fear of alone-ness.

And I still have to deal with the FB thing. I haven't deleted my account but I'm seriously thinking about it, just disappearing from there altogether. It's not like I use the thing at all, I haven't been on there in months because I didn't want to spend more time at the computer, and now I don't want to know if I've been unfriended, and don't want to face the choice to unfriend my ex. I just want to wash my hands of the unnecessary pain and move on. I hope it's the right choice for myself. After all, why am I hanging onto this stuff? I've made this whole new intention for my life, and yet I'm still having moments of wanting to make some form of contact, something caring like, "I know it's the anniversary of the passing of your (family member), know that I'm thinking of you and your family..." Ugh. My sponsor and some great friends talked me away from that precipice just last night.

I'm seeking words of experience, strength and hope about this--about getting rid of the electronic ties (and literal ones) and moving on in the midst of the pain... I'm needing a good dose of that nowadays. Thanks.

posie