Iwanttoheal - I can relate to your story although it was my dad living inside my head that caused me to abuse myself. And the kicker is that he died 2004 and it wasn't a release. Because in the end it became me abusing myself and my head didn't need him to be alive to tell me how worthless I was.
Regarding counselling: In the past I too had counsellors that wanted to explore family of origin issues and I wasn't ready so brushed it aside. When I was ready about a year ago, I couldn't seem to find a good one. They were all pushing CBT which has been good in the past for me but I am ready to try delving into my childhood. I have given up for the moment. I trust that when the time is right, I will find the right one.
Regarding your non-alcholic but co-dependent mum: I can only share from the heart and until I woke up to the circle of abuse that was in my marital home, I was her. I am very fortunate that I stopped the denial when my children were 1 and 3. Through hearing Al-Anon shares, I realised that all my attempts at controlling my 3 year old were probably doing more damage than seeing her dad drunk on a daily basis. I no longer coerce my children, my husband is sober and the family situation is healing.
It has been a year and a half of recovery and at the beginning I was so ashamed of myself. While negative emotions can bring growth, the problem was that holding on to the guilt wasn't healthy. After about a year of beating myself up, I had to forgive myself and say that honestly I did not know better at the time. The only difference between me and your mother is that I woke up and she hasn't yet.