Sorry i dont normally post here but cant keep quiet...as it is alcoholics in f&f day:-)
I am a recovered alcoholic through the steps of AA and having had a spiritual awakening (a drastic personality change if you prefer). I was in a relationship with a lady for the last 6 years of my drinking and a fair few before...
I can absolutely assure you that the active or dry alcoholic is a totally selfish, uncaring, egotistical, self seeking creature. It is irrelevant who the alcoholic is with, if the partner (hostage/victim) hadn't come along when they did it would be someone else. The alcoholic is incapable of feeling true love because they don't understand what it means, every 'love' they have comes with a set of conditions which are completely unreasonable for any human being to live up to...so when the partner does not fix them and after the euporia of the new relationship`, things get bad!
The poor partner sticks around beyond the initial honeymoon period because the alcoholic is, in that initial time, the perfect partner...this is the person the partner has fallen in love with but this person is an act and not the real them, it is learned behaviour that the alcoholic uses to get what they want which ranges from approval to ego fulfillment. So along with the new partner not being able to fix the alcoholic, the alcoholic also has the exhausting task of trying to keep the act up so they start to resent the partner even more...
You mentioned how do other people not see the alcoholic for what they are...because they only see him in short bursts or when it is convenient for the alcoholic, so friends and business aquaintances etc think they are the best thing since sliced bread. Once again through trial and error the alcoholic has learned what responses and reactions others like and he acts out whoever that person wants him to be...again making him the perfect 'friend' or aquaintance.
Does the alcoholic know they are doing all this? Of course they do to varying degrees from just don't care to not knowing a better way. But that doesn't matter, the rationalisation process is perfect...if only it had not been for the alcohol they would never have done the things they did or be the person that they are...of course the partner concurs, alcohol is the demon...their perfect partner, that was, or the act that the alcoholic put on is taken by the alcoholc and changed!
So the alcoholic stops drinking for their partner, job, baby...once again after the initial act and euphoria the alcoholic notices that nothing has changed, they still have the guilt, remourse, crazy thinking, racing mind etc so now we have an active alcoholic who is dry...the partner may think that it is better withoutthe alcoholic drinking or may even yearn for them to return to it to get away from having to walk on egg shells all the time and the constant mood swings...now the alcoholic can be resentful at the partner for not fixing them all the time they were drinking, for making them keep an act up and now for ruining their recovery or even identifying the partner as the problem all along, because they don't drink anymore so it is inconceivable that they might have been that messed up person before they picked up a bottle...happy days!
All that said alcoholics do recover! From what i have read and learned in real life through people with 20 years plus sobriety it is less than 2% (and thats a generous stat), the percentage is for alcoholics who actually do something, e.g. counselling, rehab, AA, SMART, antabuse etc...add all the ones who do nothing but put the bottle down out there and the percentage would be lower. It is a lot of work and you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to recover but it does happen and im sure everyone would agree that it is a miracle when it does (just look at stats!)...
Now as for the universal law of like attracts like, that is for the different groups:-)