I'm continually amazed at the similarities in all the stories. I guess I shouldn't be. My mother, too, is a martyr. My mother, too, has spent years letting us know who the bad parent is. One of the things I have been relieved to get away from is the sniping my parents do at each other and through me. No matter which one I spent time with, they'd grouse about and make nasty comments about the other. Even with my dad, who is much more pleasant to be around, I finally wanted to say, "YOU made her what she is, YOU abused her and destroyed her, and you still do."
They also both think they're quite perfect. My mother believes she is full of sage advice, where all I see is a sad and broken child, at best, trying to tell others how to live when she can barely manage her own life. When I pointed out to my father that he spent my high school years telling me he 'didn't like me,' and tried to choke me when I was a young adult, he simply denied it. "You're imagining it all," to be exact. The sad thing is, I believe he probably did block it out of his mind and takes my saying so as more proof that I'm a rotten apple.
Can you look into EMDR therapy? I did it for awhile, and found it enormously helpful. They don't know why it works, but it does. I was able to really internalize, emotionally, the things that I knew in my mind. I could look at my parents' behavior and know it was a reflection on them, but knowing that in my mind didn't stop their critical voices in my head, or stop my belief that maybe they were right about me. EMDR seemed to move the knowledge to the emotional, spiritual level, where I could finally start seeing myself (at least most of the time) as a fairly normal, decent human being.