Iwanttoheal

Tromboneliness I like your analogy of a "slip" . Painful as it has been to work through, this slip has allowed me to see everything with so much more clarity. So yes, the contact boundaries have been reasserted, allowing me to continue to work on myself and decide where I go from here.

12 years ago I had a fabulous theraspist who tried in vain to punch through my wall of denial and to address my childhood issues. However, I wasn't letting anyone near me and my childhood at that point - I would only discuss my failing marriage. Unfortunately, she is no longer alive or I would be beating her door down to let me speak to her again. I didn't really get on with the therapist that I saw last year - I only saw her twice as she wanted me to bring my Mum and brother in to do a family session to allow us to "heal" - she didn't "get" that I wanted to "divorce" my dysfunctional family. I have thought about seeing a therapist who specialises in childhood abuse and dysfunctional families but haven't got past the thinking about it stage.

I feel very similar to how I felt last August - like Alice in Wonderland. Then I was seeing with fresh eyes going WOW!!!! look at my reality, I really was an abused child. Now, I'm doing the same thing again, only it is OMG!!! Not only was I an abused child, I am an abused adult and I didn't even know. I wasn't fully aware that I was/am an abuse victim. It is a very surreal experience. I'm glad to be able to feel the fear if that makes sense - it validates the truth of my experiences. It is now up to me how I let this fear dictate my future moves.

Today I saw my Mum again and this was also a surreal experience - talk about seeing her clearly - it's an amazing and empowering experience. We had a civilised conversation (not an emotive argument) where she tried to tell me that Autism and Alcoholism were the same - when I challenged her saying that one was a genetic condition and the other a chosen behaviour - she spoke from her superior position of wife of an alcoholic saying "No - alcoholism is an illness, your Dad couldn't help his behaviour". I further challenged this saying that although my ds had Autism, this wasn't a "get out of jail free card" and that he had learnt that there were consequences for inappropriate behaviour. Alcoholism is different she insists, your Dad couldn't help himself.

This is a total rewrite of all the hystrionics of my teenage years where she would talk to me for hours telling me that it was all my Dad's fault - he was the one who chucked the booze down his neck, he was the one who was always trying to "control" her. Somehow death has deified my Dad and she has rewritten history to put a golden sheen on him and her as good parents - it was an amazing example of gaslighting. This time though it didn't make me crazy - I just sat there thinking - wow lady, you are one sick, sick person.

As I was feeling strong at this point, I decided to go for broke and asked her how did she feel as a parent when her two children who had grown up in an alcoholic household both had long-term mental health problems (my brother is alcoholic plus is on medication for anxiety disorder; I have been on antidepressants for 12 years plus have a history of eating disorders). Her response - and me, and me, I had to go on valium when your Dad was at his worst. A prime example of her "what about me, I had it so much worse than you" She truly believes that she was a victim and completely powerless because this allows her to absolve herself of any guilt that she may feel towards her two children.

I imagined myself in her position where one of my own two children were sat in front of me telling me that they had long-term mental health problems because of my poor parenting (this may yet happen, who knows). I feel sick at the thought, I would be horrified, I would be apologising, I would be crushed with guilt and remorse - I certainly wouldn't be sat in front of them justifying myself saying well, I had it so much worse than you. There wasn't one shred of guilt or compassion for me - for the child I was or the damaged adult I am now - I just don't exist for her in that form, therefore she sweeps me away, denies my experiences, my pain and her part in it. Now I only exist to her (as I always did) as a caretaker - someone to look after her in her old age.

I almost.... almost felt sorry for her at that point (but I'm not that forgiving). I thought if you ever had the courage to look at yourself warts and all, with true honesty, you would fall apart Mum because you are a poor, pathetic speciman of a human being.

If you are still reading thankyou. Sorry for yet another long ramble but this is so healing.