Oh Lulu, you bring me back to the first time I struck out to do my own thing.
I had planned to go see a movie by myself. Something I had done for years before I met XABF but hadn't done for so long. I knew it would occupy my mind and I would enjoy the mental escape of it. I love movies. I also figured it would be less of an impact when it occurred to my XABF where I had gone then say, out to a club or something.
I went so far as to leave a note telling him I was out and when I expected to be back should he actually get home drunk earlier than usual. I didn't say where I had gone but figured he'd search the computer and find I had looked up movie times. I saw it that I wasn't hiding, just not spoon feeding him information.
As I exited the movie theater I heard a voice mail from my XABF. I could tell from his voice and the way he used my name and not sweetie or honey that he was livid. He told me how he had figured out where I was and that he hoped I had a good time without him yada yada yada, I didn't hear the rest because I deleted the message.
I drove home that night with a stew pot of emotions. I was afraid he would be in a rage when I got home, and I was concerned he would retaliate in some way. Understandable in our relationship. I was also exhilirated with the freedom I felt in taking back my life even a small bit. BUT there was also this evil pleasure I took from angering him. I made him go searching after me. I made him annoyed because he was waiting home for me not the other way around. I finally had some kind of effect on him after years of trying to change him and getting no where.
Like you, I came here that night and grounded myself in reality. The fear I had was real and needed to be addressed and the thrill of my focus on me was also healthy and needed care and feeding to grow into big time recovery. BUT still trying to have an affect on him, control him, and (as you put it) get in his head had to go.
I see where you're coming from. It's great recovery work!!! Bravo!!!
Alice