Trying not to get sucked in
Today I thought about something. And its about my own character defect really. My AH, alghough I love him and pray for his recovery and then reconciliation, has been corresponding with me on email. I am living my life and he commented how happy I seemed the other day. Sad at times but happy. I intend to go no contact but he has to drop something off this weekend But I have so much to do this weekend and he usually tells me last min when he is coming. So I sent him a simple message saying you can drop off and leave it in the garage as I wont be around this weekend. For the first time he didnt respond.
I have to admit it made me feel better realizing he was wondering and thinking there may be someone else or wondering what I am up too. This is called being in his head and I know better. But I had to look at my own reaction to this. I was happy to give him some pain back. I was happy he cared. This is something I need to work on. I dont want to think about what he is thinking about me. Its none of my business and I have a life to lead.
I wanted to post this here because this is almost like my journal and I know folks understand.
Last night I was telling my friend how I dont know how I got sucked into being the submissive one to him like I did something wrong. I mean I know I did things wrong but I didnt ruin our life. Its just weird how someone can know how to manipulate you so well that they change your thinking. And its even scarier that I allowed it.
Hugs
Lulu