Iwanttoheal

Thank you Suki

Yes it is a sad story isn't it - a real-life fairytale or fable and it is my story, it happened to me. It is also a story of strength, the more knowledge and understanding I gain, the stronger I become.

Last August, I posted timorously on here, seeking external validation - Was I really an abused child? Now I no longer need that validation, yes I was abused as a child - physically, verbally, emotionally, psychologically and I escaped sexual abuse by a hair's breadth (If my mother had had her way, I would have taken her place in my father's bed. Thankfully, my Dad wasn't interested in little girls). I was also shamefully neglected - not fed, clothed or housed properly.

My story has moved on - I now understand and accept that my mother is a very, very sick person indeed - even sicker than my alcoholic dad was. At the end, he at least knew he was an alcoholic and tried but failed to clean his act up. My mother has no knowledge what so ever that she is a very mentally ill person - her personality is so shattered that she cannot live in or accept reality, either past or present. She re-arranges truths to fit her version of reality where she is a perfect, omipotent being - the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect person with a superior lifestyle better than all her peers.

It took the feet from under me when it finally sank into my brain that she truly believes this constructed reality. I only exist in her world in terms of what I can do for her. As I child I was somehow transposed into being her mum, the person who took care of her. Now I only exist to take care of her physical needs, her house, her garden and to look after her in her old age. I don't exist as an individual with needs in my own right - I am an extension of her.

When I don't behave as she wants, she can no longer use physical and verbal violence to bring me into line but she delves deep into her armoury. She did her best - the injured martyr act. She is disappointed that her daughter hasn't lived up to her expectations - laying the guilt trip. What will she do when she can no longer walk - shock tactics, awfulisation. I find these rather amusing as she has now become so transparent to me.

What I don't find amusing is this paralysing fear of disobeying her. That's why I can't just walk away. I did it once and fear of her drove me back. What did she do to me as a very young child to instil this fear, she broke me good and proper as a child. I know I can walk away again but first I have to work through this toxic fear of her and guilt of being a "bad" daughter. If I don't do that, I will just go around the abuse cycle once again.