living alone is so sad and pointless
some of you may remember me from months ago.
i don't really have the energy to go over my entire story but lets just say i have finally come to understand the stupid reasoning in my brain that allowed me to let him come home so many times.
and this time he disappeared on friday and i haven't heard one word from him. some of his horrible friends are being awful and mean to me and im so sad because he ditched me with our two huge dogs who i now have to leave alone in our apartment for 12 hours a day because i work 40 hours a week and there's a 2 hour commute each way.
so now not only am i living alone, accepting that our relationship was a bunch of crap and i let the sense of relief that i felt everytime he came home take the place of an actual resolution to the problem for 3 f-ing years, so in essence i wasted a lot of time, but now i feel so guilty because i'm so exhausted and these dogs loved him SO MUCH and he spent so much time with them..... every waking minute is either spent driving, at work, or trying very unsuccessfully to give these poor sweet loving dogs the exercise they need. i havent done laundry in a month. i haven't gone grocery shopping in a month. i'm going to have to give them both up to a better home so they can have a yard and owners who give them enough attention. and then i'm gonna be living alone. again.
i'm not entirely certain that this is better than it was while he was here. actually, it isn't. life was so much easier and so much less exhausting, and i actually had a reason to get up in the morning and to buy good groceries and to come home and to do laundry and take showers and be a human.
it feels so purposeless. i hate it.