Originally Posted by
Hope44 
Just reading and re-reading over the replies this morning and want to say thank you. As others have stated before me, your support means ALOT. I am trying to be strong here... but sometimes it just feels right to let the pain rise, let the tears come, and confess I am NOT strong. I can NOT handle this. And that is okay. As a mother, it is my heart to nurture and protect my children... and yet our home has turned into place of stress, worry, fear, and danger. There is a battle raging for my daughter's soul and I don't think I will ever feel 100% sure that it is the BEST thing to kick her out but - I have 100% faith in God. This is not to say that doubts don't come... times when I will pray and ask, "Are you sure, God? Am I hearing you right?" but the confirmation always returns, again and again, "Yes, I am. And yes, you are."
So thankful for this community of support.
I totally agree with you as I too am struggling with totally detaching from my daughter. In the past 9 mons. I have her children, and I have let her remain homeless, not enabled, filed for custody of her girls, etc. All of that I was ok with, but the more I continue to do this, the worse she is getting, now not being able to remain sober at all for any period of time, including inpatient rehab. Her downward spiral I fear will end in death. And like you said, as a mother, it is in our hearts to nuture and protect them, which is what I am doing for her girls. I can't do it for her. It's an internal battle for me, and while I know I'm strong, I do cry sometimes, but crying does not mean I am not strong, it means that I am a human being, with feelings. So don't worry about your crying, you are strong, you just feel!
When my RAH left me 9 mos. ago, he was on his deathbed, he truly was. He was malnurished, I'm sure his liver was giving out (he has alcoholic liver disease and had been on his deathbed twice before), his downward spiral was so bad, worst I'd ever seen it, and funny thing is I never wanted to leave him cause I didn't want him to die alone. God was there for me in that one, my RAH left me and went to our place upstate, where he chose to drink himself to death and die alone. Instead, he got 3 dwi's in one week and is now sober 6 mos. That taught me a big lesson in faith. I put 100% trust in God, I really do. We may not understand his reasons for things, but we have to have faith that it will work out the way it is supposed to.
I'm here for you if you ever want to chat. In the meantime (((((BIG HUGS)))))