iwantcontrol

I probably shouldn't even be writing this but I need to tell someone. I cant handle having noone to talk to about it. I didn't get chance to have a talk with my ABF about his drinking and us because he had soem bad news. He had a medical exam and a biopsy taken last week and he told me on Friday that they found some malignant cells. I couldn't get much more info out of him as he'd obviously drunk before and after seeing the Dr, and then he didnt want to talk about it over the weekend. He didn't want me to tell my mum becase he doesn't want anyone to know until he's had further tests to find out what exactly is going on.

He had a psychiatrist appoitntment today and he got very drunk (I think just alcohol) beforehand because he was scared. I dont understand why he is always quite so scared about going there. He called me after the appointment and was very upset. Said that he has to go back tomorrow and they want to take him into their care for a couple of days respite. He wont see me today and I cant get any further info out of him.

I'm just in a bit of a state becasue everythign is getting on top of me. I cant share any of this with anyone. I'm scared that he might have cancer. I'm scared that he is going to continue drinking and make his illness even worse, so that treatment wont help. I'm scared about them admitting him (not because i think its wrong, but it's all unknown to me). I'm scared and worried and totally alone. He wont talk to me about any of it and always wants to deal with it alone. So I'm left alone, in a mess. I'm trying to be strong for both of us, but I'm not used to dealing with this stuff, especially without anyone to talk to.

My ex-BF is still a very close friend and someone I could always talk to about anything, but it would feel wrong if I talked to him about this stuff. I dont want to worry my mum about it all, and ABF doesnt want anyone else to know. I dont know what to do.

I'm leaving it all down to him and not getting involved with it, but I want to know what is happening and I want someone to help me through it. I thought we could try to get through it together but he just wants to be alone (probabyl to drink).

I felt like I couldnt bring up the drinking over the weekend becasue of this health scare, and I couldnt talk about anything personal with him. He would just get defensive and annoyed if I even tried to ask him what he has to do this week.

The whole situation is getting out of hand for me, and I'm all alone in it. I dont really know what to do.