Welcome Newlife! Being here will help. It was 5 weeks ago that I told my ABF is was over. He's my first love, first everything and we've known each other for 23 years. I've never loved another man. We dated in high school and then I didn't have the money to go to college so I joined the military and he went to college and got into dealing. I can't tell you why but when I had the opportunity to be with him again and would call to find out how he was doing and find out he was still into dealing so I wouldn't go but I waited.
When it finally looked like he was going to get clean, he ended up getting a girl pregnant that he had only been dating a very short time, a month or so I'm told. He decided he wanted to do the right thing and married her; that ended in no less than a disaster with two beautiful kids and him smoking pot all day, every day.
A little over a year ago we were talking again and he finally decided he wanted to quit pot and drinking and he wanted to figure out how the two of us could be together. He has to have permission to take his kids anywhere and his ex won't give it and my child has two more years at the school she's been at since grade school; there were lots of things to figure out.
I waited patiently for him to try and quit himself and get to the point he would get some help/support. He never did and finally admitted he didn't want to quit. I was growing more and more frustrated with his lack of understanding how he gets when he's high or been drinking, just about everything that could go wrong in my life went wrong and his idea of support was just to talk more on the phone while he was high. I started to nag and we began to argue. Having grown up with a A brother and parents that abused alcohol and then a brush with an A husband I knew where this was headed so I decided to bow out gracefully, thinking we could at least be friends for the mean time and maybe he'd figure it out. Told him it was at least two years until I could leave where I was, his kids are still very young so he couldn't come to me for even longer so there was plenty of time to . . . figure things out but it didn't seem like a good idea to try and continue things long distance. He hasn't spoken to me in 5 weeks.
Like you, I don't believe it's about another woman but mine does have two other girlfriends - alcohol and pot. Worrying about what he's done or is doing is just part of feeling like a fool for taking so long to really see what was going on and start taking care of yourself - I would try to let that go like has already been suggested, it really is YOUR stuff coming to the surface.
I never thought he'd turn me off like he has and it hurts like hell but he's made his choice. I keep thinking we could have been like a fairy tale, so many years, so much in common, on and on and on. That part, the dream of what I thought we were, it's real to me as I'm sure your dream is real to you. There's nothing to be done for our disappointment and pain but what the ladies here have been telling you - get back into your hobbies and if you don't have any, get some. Alanon meetings really help me as well as AA. Recovering A will encourage you and give you the other side of the perspective, they can also tell you what the things you're addict has been saying REALLY mean. I find that helpful when I start replaying all the things he said to me, the things that made me feel like heaven was shining down on me and then all the things he DID that didn't go with what he said.
The man you love is in there, I BELIEVE that about mine and all the others here, the problem is they're lost to us until they decide to live. We have to go on with our lives. Living with an addict changes us, damages part of who we are. The dream we had while we were with them, that has to die or that part of you that is changed and damaged will never be repaired and we will live in sickness, apart from them but right along with them.
I am glad you're here and hope that you find some smiles today or tommorrow.