Is there any way to alleviate worry without being codependent? It sounds like I can't even ask a simple question. I was trying not to assume the worst about what's going on -- I was trying to understand that a lot could have happened between Sunday and today to change the circumstances, and, in trying to understand that she probably feels terrible and is struggling with her own recovery, I wasn't expecting her to have filled me in on everything up till now.
It seems like not asking the question is sort of a way to get sucked into the endless drama of it -- there are kids involved, too, and if the answer is as cut and dry as -- she's not in detox anywhere, and is either still too messed up to deal with things yet (which would be fine) or has already decided to lie her way out of it completely, then I would simply like to know, so I can start detaching the children as soon as possible.
I don't plan on arguing with her about it. I know that's counterproductive.
I don't know what's going on, so to assume from a few pieces of inconclusive information that my role now is to move myself and my children on would be playing right into my insecurities, no? I don't know if she was moved or discharged this morning, or if she was originally referred to another facility. I don't know if something happened to her mom since Saturday. I don't know lots of things -- I don't say these things in order to rationalize the fact that maybe she still loves me -- I say them to try to prevent myself from irrationally overreacting about the motives/actions of another person.
I'm not going to harass people to try to get the information. I just left a message on her sister's home phone -- not her cell -- that I was calling to check in to see how things were going and if there was anything I could do to help from here. I sent a single text to Z letting her know that her transfer to the bank account went thru, and if/when she responds, I'll see if I can talk to her or text her at that point to find out where she is. I did call her once but her phone was off and the mailbox was full.
If these attempts are met with anger or resistance, then at least I have more information and I can make better decisions. My recovery has started. I'm new at it so I'll make lots of mistakes. Tied to her addiction is her real and mostly untreated thyroid condition, real and very stressful financial worries, our own worsening communication problems, not to mention her continued trend in the past few years towards trying to get out of the grip of the pills -- repeated attempts, many successful, to lower her suboxone dose (not on my advice, either -- on her own -- I had already detached from that), to remove people from her life who were bad influences, to make changes to her routine to try to rouse herself out of this rut she's been in.
I have one bit of puzzling information, which is merely that at 11 am this morning, the detox facility she mentioned once earlier in the week said that she wasn't being treated there. Maybe she thinks I need to hear that she's in detox but decided to try to detox on her own -- it wouldn't be unlike her to do that. If that's the case, then all I can do is let her know that I support her in that. Maybe she's not in inpatient detox but is still checking in with that facility. Maybe she's still worried that I'll impose myself on her behavior so she simply asked that I not contact her at the hospital, or maybe, for the same reason, she didn't use her married name when she checked in.
If her family is really upset with me or distancing themselves from me, I'll find out soon. If she's really lying, I'll find out soon. If she ignores these attempts to reach her today, then that is information, too. I don't see how my gathering that information to try to work it into my recovery is the same thing as ignoring my recovery, just because it involves putting myself out there to be hurt.
But spending any amount of time worried about where my wife is, when I can at least try to get that question answered in a pretty reasonable amount of time, seems like I'd be causing myself needless pain. It doesn't mean I'm going to keep trying -- a bad response on her end is an answer itself.
Yes, I know I'm in a tangled web of my own weaving. I'm trying to avoid making it worse, but that doesn't mean I'm suddenly out of it. The web that we wove is still causing confusion and mistrust and bad communication -- is the idea to eliminate all communication until it is absolutely established that the communication will be good?
Thanks for listening...