humblestudent

I don't even know where to start. I'm so disgusted with myself. I drank Fri. and Sat. I was somewhat controlled on Fri., but Saturday was a complete blow out - and that was honestly the last thing I wanted to happen. I wanted to prove I could successfully drink. To drink and not get completely wasted. And what's worse, is that I honestly thought I could. I had rationalized in my head that I could, if I just "paid attention" to what I was pouring down my throat. Only it didn't work out that way.

Oh no...not only did I get obliterated, I blacked out and don't remember anything after 6 p.m. or so. The anxiety from this alone is so intense. Did I say something offensive? Did I tell someone to go f themselves? Was I able to edit myself? On and on this goes in my head.

I woke up only to find that I had thrown up basically all over myself, and everything near me. I have no memory of this. Don't know if I was passed out, or what, but I suspect I was. I am very fortunate that I didn't aspirate this. This was only after falling, narrowly missing hitting my head by inches. I do remember that.

So here I am again at day 2. Words cannot describe how awful I feel mentally. But I will say that I truly know...really truly know now that I just cannot drink, period. There is no "maybe". That line of thinking is just out the window. So, maybe the silver lining here is that I get it now. I thought I got it before for a time. And then more and more I started thinking that I could have a few and be ok. I can't. It's over. Done. I'm done with it now. I am an alcoholic. I was getting resentful of others' ability to drink, when I should've been grateful that I wasn't drinking. My thinking got all twisted up, and that lead to this relapse. I feel like I let everyone down. I wish I could rewind to Friday, and take it all back. This is hanging over me like a black cloud. How long until I can start to hold my head up again?