GreenerPastures

I made it to 105 days last Sunday. My initial goal was 100 days to see how things would go. I am proud that I did make it to 105 days without alcohol.

I was traveling for work and met a friend that I had not seen in 10 years. We had dinner together and we ordered a glass of wine each. So, I had one glass of wine with dinner. That was it. The moment hung in the air. I did not have guilt feelings or a craving for it really. I thought of it as a test, a choice I was making to see what has changed exactly for me. I did not go into it saying, " Only one glass!" I wanted to see the effect and if I had control over it. Of course, I had the learn the lesson all over again.

Now, when we speak of psychological addiction versus physical addiction (they say that the phyical symptoms stop much sooner in abstenience)- I can tell you that yes, I really wanted that second glass. Even after all this time, yes, I still wanted it. That feeling has not changed, and now I know for certain that it will never change for me. I enjoyed the taste of the one glass and wanted another. Was it the taste? Yes, it was fabulous. Was it the feeling it created in my brain that has been absent for over three months? Well, maybe. It hit me a little hard after only a few sips. If I did have another it probably would have made me feel ill, but I still wanted that second glass! I wanted the taste of it again, and the feeling for it was so strong. I was not thinking of all the things I have learned here on this site and in all of my readings. These teachings left me in a heartbeat as I thought of the second glass. There was no contemplation, I wanted it period.

Now, why did I not continue is the important question. If I am completely honest with myself, I did not order the second glass because my friend is not a drinker and she was content to have that one glass. I would have ordered the second glass, no question about it, if she wanted another. So I said no. Now, after dinnner and when that warm feeling started to dissipate, I was content to order my usual green tea and I was fine with it instead of the second glass of wine. The issue is that I still felt that pang and pull to have that second glass right after the first. If that is not addiction, I don't know what is.

So, after dinner, I went back to my room. To test myself yet again, I checked out the minibar. I could have easily opened the minibar and gotten loaded back in my hotel, but I didn't. I didn't even want to. There were tons of choices in there too. I didn't want that beer afterwards or the whiskey in the bar. My choices, in fact, are now mostly tea. Maybe the addiction has shifted to tea? Quite possibly. Was I really in control of the experience? Yes and No.
I woke up the next day and the following days with no cravings whatsoever. I didn't crave the taste of the wine at all. It was over.

So, what did I learn in this little experiment? That there are a lot of other people out there who really can have that one glass of wine, who can enjoy it and not obsess over it, who don't have an issue with drive to order another. I have learned again, that I am unfortunately not one of those people. I really wish I was though.

Good news is that it was one glass, and now I know that the psychological addiction will always be there. I had to learn the lesson all over again. If I was in different company (someone who loved to drink), it could have been a disaster. Would I have stopped after 2 glasses? I honestly don't know. There was a time period after the first glass where I would have said hell yes. After having the hot tea, I would have said no. My control is sporatic. Normal people do not obsess over alcohol like this and the choice to have another.

What I learned is that addiction never goes away. It is always there. It is the choices we make that enable us to overcome it. My test was a failure, and not meant to be repeated by anyone here on this website. I wrote this to help others who are contemplating having that one glass and having the euphoria of making it to 100 days, 200 days, 1 year, etc., thinking they have a handle on it and can go back to that one glass. For me, it worked because I did have one glass but then again it did not work because I could have easily gone in a different direction depending on who I was with that evening. Come to think of it, having that glass was not that enjoyable because I found my mind thinking about it too much, instead of just enjoying the elegance of that one glass of wine. That will always make me sad. But I would rather be sad like that then have no control over my choices. Sad truth, but a correct one.

I wanted to share with everyone who has made a commitment to sobriety that this is what can happen, and most likely will happen, if you go back to thinking you are in control of it. It is better to stay sober.

Today is Day 2. Thank god I have no cravings whatsoever.