All I have to say is I thank God for every single one of you. For posting, for caring, for the encouragement! I have not felt hope is SO long. I started to lose my faith (and I even used to teach Sunday school for 10 years!), I started to think I was better off dead or he was better off dead, that there was no way out of this. That this is what was chosen for me and I had to accept that.
But I wasn't ready to accept that. I am NOT ready to accept that.
And it is comfort to know I am not alone and so many of you had the courage and strength to step away from your feelings and think about what is best for you (and the kids).
I went to visit a friend of mine tonight that I have not seen in a while - a best friend. She explained to me why she distanced herself from me. Not that she was disappointed in me or that she didn't care - she didn't understand and she didn't want to feel the pain when he eventually killed me.
That hit me hard. The messed up part about it - I came here, to my home and I stared at my phone. I wanted to call him. I wanted to text him. "WTF is wrong with me?" I thought and then I signed onto my computer and before facebook, before my email, before ANYTHING - I came here. I thought I would see if there were any responses to my posts. And I read... And I didn't text and I didn't call and I still haven't been on Facebook because I am responding to you!!
SO this is my thank you!
I am getting up bright and early and attending that Al-Anon meeting I said I would attend in my other post.
All I know is I am ready to save my life and you guys and Al-Anon (answer to my prayers!!), are helping me push forward to do so.
Tonight I would have relapsed... I came here and I didn't! I know I can do this!!
