Hi mishaco1! Welcome to SR.
Yup, had feelings that "ran" me. Yup, the guilt. You are definitely not alone.
I first recognized my feelings about my exA (recently an ex--just over a week ago) "running" me when things were back-and-forth, up-and-down, some sort of wild rollercoaster ride. I was exhausted, and I suddenly realized that what I thought would "make me feel better" was to call. And it did, for all of about 20 minutes...then the yucky, uncomfy feelings were right back...the emotions about the history of the relationship, the inconsistencies in the latest communications, etc. YUCK. "The fix" of making contact didn't last nearly as long as my pain did. Ouch.
My emotions were completely "running the show" at that point. My emotional presence (or lack of it) with my kids; keeping up on my household chores, bills, etc.; basically EVERYTHING was affected based on my emotions. Geez, if I could have just gotten "fed up and left" it would have seemed so easy...but it wasn't.
After breaking up I have often revisited my conversations, my wording of what I said, the ways I chose to do things, blah, blah, blah. My head knows that it wouldn't have made one bit of difference what I did or didn't do: it would never be enough, good enough, have tried hard enough, etc. to meet my ex's expectations. It's crazy-making.
I'm glad you went to Alanon, it has been my anchor (along with this site and my sponsor) during the most difficult times. My ex will encourage me to feel guilty with the blame that comes my way if I'm listening, but I'm not...we've gone no contact. I don't check FB or any other place online where we might "bump into" each other. I had a friend who gave me a FB update earlier this week, and I've asked her to please let that be the last update she gives me. Part of me is really interested in knowing the updates, but the wiser, healthier part of myself knows that the information just encourages me to go into a tailspin over things I have no control over. No need to know about them, then!
I've been angry at different times, and the only really good thing I can say about anger is that it moved me to take an action that I needed to take--namely, to LEAVE the relationship. I'm not overall angry at this point (though I have moments), but I'm very in touch with my hurt, which I can work to heal with the supports and tools I've gained through my recovery from codependency. I have work to do, but it feels like I can handle it now and truly achieve the life I want to have. That doesn't mean I don't have my rough moments and days, but the overall picture looks MUCH better than when I was with my ex.
If your ABF has hit you, that is abusive, and emotional abuse kinda goes with the territory of alcoholism. I was emotionally abused in more than this past relationship, and after 22 years and 3 consecutive relationships I'm taking time off to "date" ME. I'm finding out I'm kinda cool to hang out with, and I'm quite certain you are, too.
Hang in there, and keep posting.
posie