I remember the early days of my recovery, when I was still so enmeshed with him and our horribly dysfunctional relationship that I honestly couldn't have told you where he stopped and I started. I knew we were toxic together and I had to get away from the relationship in order to survive, but I carried incredible life/breath sucking guilt from all of it.
I started going to Al Anon, and to some individual counseling. It was one of my favorite Al Anon friends who talked me thru some of my self-defeating thoughts. She asked me if I really thought I was so powerful as to keep him away from his job, to stop him from eating, to affect his reckless driving etc. etc. She had to remind me many times that he was a 40 yr old man and was perfectly capable of being responsible for his own actions, his own choices and his own decisions, and his own consequences no matter what he was telling me.
And, after awhile, I realized she was right. It was an incredible "aha" moment when I finally allowed him to be him and decided to take full responsibility for my own self.
People who haven't been thru this cannot comprehend what that means. It's a powerful thing! And it happens little by slow, one day at a time, when we finally peek out of the darkness and creep towards the light.